learning to be me.


"I've learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me” 
“Waving Through A Window” from Dear Evan Hansen

The first time I heard that song, no WAY did it resonate with me. I know who I am, I am a go-getter, I am confident, I am fierce. Until I took a hot second and looked internally and gulped down that humble pie. I truly am a person who is too afraid to start, to jump, to jog, to fly. I stay safe, I know my limits, don’t get too wild, Sienna. Don’t do something that’s not YOU, Sienna.

So long have I lived under the identity people have put on me. In high school I was “quiet, aloof, weird.” In college I was “no-filter, confident, unattainable”. Post college I became “doormat, daughter, loner”. Now—many years later, I realize I have no labels. I have no people given identities that I can cling to. What should I do, who should I be? My enneagram is a 2w1. I truly love my enneagram, but with it comes inconsistencies. I often do not know how I feel, what I like, who I am outside of people and the boxes they have put me in. I am too scared to be vulnerable or independent for fear of failure, for fear of leading with the “worst of me”. 

And yet here I am, stirred by my Creator to be vulnerable and open. I feel so strongly called to lay down my pride and my “holding it all together” to share my journey of self-discovery. Who am I? What do I love? What do I want to do? So, I created this long-forgotten blog. This place to chronicle my journey in diving deeper into my God given identity and running further from my man given ones. I didn't know what to name this blog. I have been wishing for a hint of inspiration or something witty. I didn't want to publish this before I could get it all together, before it could be "presentable", before I could live into that people given image of "perfect, and put together". But, this blog's name will probably change, just as I am changing. Here we go.

-Sienna

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